Emily Hunter McGowin recently recommended Women in Theology, and I noticed that one of the contributors, Elizabeth, posted a word of advice for some men: "Smile Ladies!-Or not." She recounted her experience with her male dentist, to which nearly all women can relate.
Elizabeth's dentist told her she seemed "pensive." After Elizabeth reassured him she was fine, he said, “Well you really need to relax. Go easy on yourself. Take a break, seriously. What would the saying be? Something like: ‘All work and no play makes Elizabeth a…?’ What is the saying?” He later remarks, "You seem like you have so much on your mind,” which makes Elizabeth think to herself, "Of course I shouldn’t have anything on my mind, right? That, in and of itself, is an abomination."
While it may seem innocent enough, the underlying idea is that women are not supposed to have emotional complexity--or at least we aren't supposed to show it. This may seem contradictory to the stereotype that women are more "emotional" creatures, but I think there are two damaging undercurrents to the exhortation to simply "smile!". First, women aren't supposed to have important, complex thoughts. As Elizabeth said, "[M]en have work and other important things to think about. They’re not emotional; they’re busy."
Second, there is a subtle theme: women must present themselves as the smiley, cheery beings men want us to be. I feel this way when men tell me to smile. If I'm deep in thought, I'm ruining the image of the one-dimensional, available woman I'm supposed to be. I can't be a multilayered human being with emotional intelligence - that's not attractive and controllable. As Elizabeth puts it, "I guess a thinking woman really is a threat."
I found mention, at a blog called The Geeky Wives, of a fascinating study done on infant boys and girls. While Kate, who mentioned the findings, didn't have a link to the actual study, I have seen this anecdotally. In the study, a stranger would hold a baby while the baby's mother was not in the room. When the stranger was told that the baby was a girl, and the baby cried, the stranger would tell the baby, "You're okay." In contrast, when the stranger was told that the infant was a boy, the stranger would ask him, "What's wrong?" when he cried. Kate remarked:
Telling someone that they are okay implies that whatever is bothering them isn’t true or real. We tell baby girls that they are okay when they’re crying because of the belief that girls shouldn’t express negative emotions. Women, have you ever been harassed by a stranger who tells you to smile, that life isn’t that bad? Well, how the hell should they know? [...] I’m trying not to tell my baby girl that she’s okay when she cries. I try to ask her what’s wrong — the first step in teaching true emotional intelligence.
Along these lines, Lisa Bloom recently shared on Huffington Post how to talk to little girls in an empowering way that does not bring the focus to the little girls' body. Focusing on a child's body just sounds wrong, in a how-to-catch-a-predator way, doesn't it? But in reading Bloom's article, I instantly recognized myself in her description of the way that many people act toward little girls. I've made a conscious effort to counter distorted female body image, but nonetheless, when I interact with little girls, I usually comment on their hair or clothing, and use a higher-pitched voice. Bloom notes,
What's wrong with that? It's our culture's standard talking-to-little-girls icebreaker, isn't it? And why not give them a sincere compliment to boost their self-esteem? Because they are so darling I just want to burst when I meet them, honestly.
Bloom instead chooses to talk to them like she would speak to adults. In one interaction, she found out about a little girl's love of books, which she considers "one tiny nudge towards valuing female brains." Bloom has chosen to model and cultivate intelligence in girls, as opposed to simply talking about their outward appearance. As a society, we can apply Bloom's suggestions to women of all ages. Rather than merely telling us to smile, why not engage with us as intelligent fellow human beings?
One last thing - because I love 30 Rock and Tina Fey, I just had to mention the sexy-baby scene from an episode this past season. Liz Lemon hires a new female writer, who wears pigtails, provocative clothing, and speaks in a high-pitched voice. In a way that only Fey can do it (both hilarious and critical of our culture), Liz tries to convince the new writer to cut the act and quit caving to the pressure that society puts on her to act like a superficial, cheery girl.
Fey did an interview on NPR a couple of months ago to promote her new book, and she remembered that a girl in one of her college acting classes also used this "baby" voice all the time. No one had heard otherwise. The teacher asked her to use her "adult-woman" voice, and when she did, all of the women in the class just looked at each other. Fey said that those baby voices "are a habit that's just kind of worn in."
Yes, those who urge us to smile and who tell a baby girl not to cry, the seven year-olds twirling their dresses for someone they just met, the baby voice - it can all add up to be a damaging force to women. We're not supposed to be complex, emotionally intelligent creatures. Instead, simply tell us "You're okay" and paint a smile on our faces. That is much easier to digest.
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